The Sabotage

I’m a saboteur. I try to ruin my own life in lots of small ways. Once I experience a tiny amount of success I find ways to fail, to stop what has been successful and to pursue the unhealthy habits that keep me trapped.
The last couple of weeks have been that way in many respects.
I’ve not been using my office, a place we made for work. I choose to be uncomfortable in a chair which leads to less productivity.
I give in to urges to eat and buy rubbish. Luckily not gaining weight but not losing.
My Nano prep is at a minimum, so much so I worry about being able to complete the writing challenge.
I sit and I scroll through Instagram and Twitter, trying to silence the screaming worry in my head. And it makes me even more frustrated, why can I not just DO something to help myself.
I felt this way shortly before starting this website with John, and for awhile it was great, with all you lovely people liking my posts. But I got caught up with questioning myself and all the other little blocks I put in my own way which caused me to back away from what helped.
It’s a tough time at the moment, John’s about to start a new job, so money is a bit of a concern, and the nervousness that comes with something new.
John’s last day is tomorrow and we have sometime before he starts the new job. We will be spring cleaning, changing things around and making the flat beautiful. I’m hoping it will be the start of a productive time and that I can throw myself into world building and prepping for Nano.
I know that periods of depression are going to happen throughout my life, but I’m trying to deal with them with a more mindful attitude and to make the most of the times where I am okay. With each bout it’s getting better, one day I hope to have a good balance.

Sorry for this self-indulgent post, but it’s good to get this out and to have some accountability, to have my feelings out there in a place where others can see, and maybe not feel so alone.

I will be back with more soon, as will John, but it may be sporadic for a little while.

Change

Change comes slowly, but it does come, if you put in the hard work.
For many, many years I have struggled with my relationship with food. The fact that there’s a relationship at all is a problem, I wish we were just acquaintances. I have always been overweight, I’ve never been healthy. However because I wasn’t ever inconvenienced by being bigger, I could walk around and do various hobbies, I was never motivated to change. But after I turned thirty that changed, I have sore knees, sore back and I grew tired of my decreasing mobility. So finally at the beginning of 2018 John and I embarked on a quest to GET HEALTHY. Since then I have lost four stone (56 pounds) with five stone (70 pounds) more to go. It has not been easy, thirty plus years of bad habits are hard to break.
I’ve been taking pictures of myself to track progress and it seems that was the right move. As it turns out, your body adapts and is very quick to forget. I still feel massive at times, despite how my clothes hang off me. Seeing a recent picture compared to one earlier showed me the progress I’ve made and it reaffirmed my resolve (which had been wavering).
A routine is essential, for me, and that is the same way for writing. For the last week I’ve had a place to write, a time to do it and though I have been struggling with putting words on paper, it has been a great help to have the routine become a pleasant part of my day. My bad writing habits are: doubting my ideas, not carrying on past a few sentences before giving up, or allowing myself to just experiment. But it’s still early, I still slip with food, all habits take a long time to break and form.
If you are struggling with something, if you’ve slipped, don’t let it stop you. One bad day is only one, get back on the horse and record your progress. I promise that it’s worth it.

Thank you so much for reading this little peek into my life. There will be more slices, from both me and John, in the future. So if you enjoyed it (I hope you did) stick with us!